Imagine this… you’re in a relationship that you think is “the real deal” or maybe you’ve met your “one and only”… The only thing is you have a ‘secret’, a weird desire, a fetish, or a want of some kind. How do you tell your partner? Moreover, how do you get their support so that you can experience and enjoy your desire and live the fullest life that you can?

Below is what I found to be an effective approach to this dilemma but please note that this is only one possible approach.  I’m sure there are any number of others that may work for your personality and your relationship.

First, recognize that everyone has sexual desires, wants, and needs. That includes your partner, so you’re not alone. And chances are if you’re reading this, you don’t know what you’re partner’s desires are and so that is the first and ultimate goal that you must proceed with.

Next you have to create a safe space. Tell your partner that you want to discuss something very personal. Tell her that you’re scared of the conversation because of any insecurities that you are feeling but reinforce that you love her and that’s why you want to have the conversation.

Finally, listen. Yes, that’s right, you’re the one that wants to share something but you have to listen first. This conversation is going to be focused on your partner. If you’re not ready to learn about her kinks and fetishes then you shouldn’t expect her to be ready to hear yours. The path that you are embarking on is about open and honest communication between you and your partner now and for the future. Your goal is to authentically listen, empower and support your partner to grow. This is not a negotiation, and it is not a compromise. From personal experience, you are statistically less likely to have partner supported enjoyment of your kink if you setup a tit-for-tat negotiation (e.g. if you get a 3-some with John, then I get a 3-some with Sarah!).

If done honestly, not only will your partner feel great about the fact that she has deepened her connection with you but you may learn something new about yourself and what you truly enjoy.

-28, Boston, Male, Married and still madly in love after 4 years